Imagine this: You’re running through some ancient ruins pulling levers and collecting treasure; must be Tomb Raider, right? You’re ducking in and out of cover while engaging in a firefight with armed militia in a factory complex while your co-op buddy flanks the enemy’s rear; must be Army of Two, right? You’re stuck on the back of a moving Humvee racing through a wide-open savanna mowing down wave after wave of incoming motorcyclists with a mounted machine gun; sounds like Time Crisis, or perhaps Virtua Cop, right? None of these situations are likely to conjure images of a survival horror game, but as the title of this review probably tipped you off, they will now.

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The original Resident Evil was a hard act to follow, but Resident Evil 2 somehow managed to not only meet the lofty expectations of the eager gaming industry, but far exceed them beyond even what a superfan like me could imagine. So all eyes were definitely on Resident Evil 3 Nemesis as Capcom attempted to catch lightning in a bottle for the third time in a row. Unfortunately, while Nemesis is a decent addition to the franchise, it wasn’t quite the masterpiece that its predecessors were, and in many ways marked the beginning of the end for the survival horror series.

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Only a few long-buried bodies in the Nevada desert know this, but I was a hardcore Sega fan in my youth. I of course had all the Nintendos and a TurboGrafx-16 (Keith Courage FTW), but my outspoken, oft-times misguided loyalty lied with the Genesis, Sega CD, 32X, and my favorite console of all time, the Saturn. So when Sony launched their unprovoked invasion of the home console market, I was not only skeptical, I was resentful. There was a distinctively soulless and American flavor to the PlayStation launch titles that my mind rejected on every level. I wasn’t about to leave behind Panzer Dragoon and Guardian Heroes for 989 Studios’ shitty sports games or Warhawk and Syphon Filter.

But as time went on, the Sony PlayStation didn’t sputter out like the Atari Jaguar or the Panasonic 3D0. This only made me want it less, as it was now the popular system to own, and my Marilyn Manson posters and nonconformist clothing said I was a beautiful and unique snowflake who zigged when everyone else was zagging. Then, along came a little game by the makers of Street Fighter and Mega Man. A game that would define an entire genre and lead to many of the most memorable moments in video game history. A game that finally made me give in and get in line with the rest of the herd.

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As is the current trend with all red hot video game franchises, Resident Evil has spawned a number of Hollywood films bearing its name. And as is the trend with those films, all of the characters were poorly casted (not to mention poorly portrayed) by some soulless, greedy suit who has never even played the games.

Instead of utilizing the many multifaceted video game characters as the main protagonist in Paul W. S. Anderson’s abominations, they chose to invent one out of thin air. Don’t get me wrong, Milla Jovovich possesses decent acting chops and her looks were pretty much the only reason to keep watching after the elevator scene, but why break what doesn’t need to be fixed? That would be like giving Lara Croft a cybernetic arm and a talking chimp sidekick voiced by Robin Williams.

If Capcom were to ever follow in the Dark Knight’s ever-wise footprints by eradicating the previous Resident Evil movies and starting from scratch, these are the actors and actresses who would not only talk the talk, but walk the walk when it comes to cracking zombie skulls and solving obscure puzzles while a room fills with noxious gas. If you like what you see, be sure to check out GEN’s previous Casting Couches as well: Left 4 Dead, Street Fighter, and Gears of War.

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