For humans, time and reality are linear and constant, but when it comes to mutants and super-powered villains and even heroes, those guys think fiddling around with the space-time continuum and altering the fabric of reality are fun pastimes. Rookies never learn, and villains—well, they just get their kicks from other people’s misery, including our own. I always hated the time-traveling episodes of X-Men: The Animated Series, and I still loathe when comic book characters bust a hole in time and reality with a rusty crowbar. We all know these things never end well, so why do they keep insisting on gambling with fate? Because they’re idiots, that’s why.
10. Slam-Bang, There Goes the Universe
"Jack. Diamond Jack."
The horror of time travel had to originate somewhere, and for comics, that somewhere was Slam-Bang Comics #1. If you’re wondering why Diamond Jack looks so much like Green Lantern, they both own fancy nerd rings of power. To be fair, Jack started the colored ring club first: Slam-Bang Comics #1 released in 1940, before the premiere appearance of Green Lantern in All-American Comics #16. Jack beat Alan Scott, the “first” power-ring wielder, by four months.
Jack Lansing became Diamond Jack when he was given a powerful black diamond set in a gold ring courtesy of a mystic. We’re guessing all that power went to his head, though, because he decided to fool around with time in “The Time Retarder” (thank you, Golden Age). Power corrupts, Jack, and time … well, that pretty much makes everything wonky. One wrong move and you end up altering history so that humans evolved into some kind of flying rodent. And speaking of those …
9. Annoying Demonic Midgets, That’s Why
One of the worst Batman characters (or just characters in general) to ever come into existence goes by the name of Bat-Mite (or “Might” for short), the Batman-idolizing nuisance from another dimension—more accurately the fifth, otherwise known as the imagination (yeah, whatever … rainbow ponies and unicorns). The magical, sugar-buzzed imp was created by Mr. Mxyztptlk, who has access to fifth-dimensional technology and sometimes likes to be called “Mixed Pickles” (we don’t want to know). He earns a black mark in our book for creating Batman’s kryptonite, aka grand embarrassment. I mean, who wants to be associated with a miniature look-alike tribute from the land of pixies and pocket-sized polar bears? Wait, screw it. I want a pocket-sized polar bear.
That's right, Bats. You better quake in fear.
Bat-Mite originally appeared in DETECTIVE COMICS #267 and tagged along for five years before dropping off the colored pages in 1964, and if you ask us that was way too long to be crashing on Batman’s couch, claiming to be a long-lost cousin. His ugly mug popped up again in 1979 and has been mucking up Batman comics on occasion ever since, including in the recent Grant Morrison BATMAN story, “RIP.” Figures. Seriously, just try to tolerate this thing for five minutes, and you’ll understand the real reason Batman started wearing a technicolor dreamcoat and taking a baseball bat to thugs’ heads. The “elf” has changed a lot since back in the day, but if you ask us, the makeover didn’t do him much good. At least now he looks more like an imp and less like a jolly elf from demonic Candy Land. That’s always a plus.
8. Television Rots Your Brain … and Your Sanity
If you thought Bat-Mite was weird, just step into Mojoverse—the realm that can’t decide whether it’s an alternate reality or dimension, or just a televised gladiator disco. The entertainment … place operates under the rule of Mojo, who resembles a technologically pimped-out Jabba the Hutt.
Mojo has a little Mr. Zsasz in him, too.
Mojoverse might as well have Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner zooming about, because you don’t find a world much more comical than this. And by comical we mean the “how the hell are they taking this crap seriously?” kind. Mojo helped create Longshot, one of his star movie stuntmen with a blond mullet. However, Longshot plotted and brooded and eventually became Mojo’s and the other Spineless Ones’ nemesis, leading rebellions (see what I mean?) against the blobbish, evil slave lord of Mojoverse. Longshot, Richochet Rita, and Dr. Strange managed to banish Mojo to his homeworld temporarily, and then they celebrated by dancing in their merry tree houses with the Ewoks until Mojo returned and erased Longshot’s memories. See why messing with reality is bad, kids?
7. Go Fish, John Nash
Well done, Mr. Mxyztptlk. Not only do you whip up Bat-Mite with that wonderful cranium of yours, but you just had to let the Joker steal your imagination powers. In SUPERMAN: EMPEROR JOKER, the Clown Prince of Crime used Mxyztptlk’s fifth-dimensional hocus-pocus to force everyone in the world into a never-ending loop, where he killed Batman over and over in new and exciting torturous ways every day. Good times.
Good question, Jason. Truth is, you were a tad emo.
A world where the Joker reigns as king definitely makes us want to head to Mojoverse until that mess gets sorted out—and that’s saying something. When the Joker grew bored of maiming his arch-enemy, he passed the repeated time by murdering Lex Luthor and wiping out parts of China. He even thought it was funny to manipulate the world into believing two plus two equals “fish.” Well, at least he was creative about it. Oh, wait, that’s the problem. Thanks, Mxyztptlk. We owe you one.
6. Days of Future Screwed
We all know about Scott Summer’s adoring love for the telepathic mutant Jean Grey, but sometimes those feelings can become awkward—in the “I’d totally do your clone, baby” sort of way. Cable, less commonly known as Christopher Charles Summers, was born after Cyclops stumbled across Jean Grey’s clone, Madelyne Pryor. To make things even more disturbing, the whole happy family was engineered by none other than Mr. Sinister, who created Pryor in the hopes that she and Summers would hook up and bring a powerful mutant spawn into the world.
This X-Men family photo is almost as disturbing as Cable's family tree.
When Jean Grey came back to life, emerging from a cocoon in Jamaica Bay (err), Scott proved he was definitely daddy material by abandoning Pryor and his son and skipping back puppy-eyed to his beloved Jean. Eventually, Jean put Madelyne out of her misery, and then she and Scott raised baby Cable as their own until they were forced to send him off into an uncertain future with all those happy memories to keep him warm at night.
5. The Blue Naked Man Scares Us
Physicist Jonathan Osterman never thought a simple broken watch would lead to his painful demise and then cause him to walk around as a disembodied circulatory system before morphing into a member of the Blue Man Group, but hey, shit happens. Even worse, the watch belonged to his then-girlfriend, Janey Slater. And people think name tattoos are bad.
The only thing he can't impress is the microwave.
Those who had the unfortunate pleasure of knowing the walking glow stick were forced to suffer—no, not the alleged radiation that falsely attributed numerous deaths, but instead having to hear Dr. Manhattan constantly blab about time in robotic terms. Robots are infamous for making people want to gouge their eyeballs out in frustration (just ask Asimov), but nothing’s worse than a once-human being who, as a still-sentient being, behaves as if he’s a nose-picking boy acting out his dream of being a robot. Any intuition or understanding about human nature soars right over the super-powered man’s bald head, so you’d have better luck relating to an amoeba. When he’s not showing his “affection” for you by whirling you off to another place in an organ-shifting event of teleportation, he’s telling you what you said five minutes ago, how he’s going to disprove everything you say an hour from now, and then he’ll pleasantly report tomorrow’s weather with a chance of your death.
Plus, if you happen to be a guy … you’ll probably loathe him for something else. And don’t piss him off, because then you’ll just sob in a corner for the rest of your life. Let’s just say Ozymandias didn’t end up hating himself over the size of his guilt.
4. The Day the Good Guys Cried
Superheroes work hard to overcome their adversity and make the world accept and love them for the freaks they are. So imagine how any hero in the Marvel community felt when Norman Osborn, who once brought Halloween to New York on a regular and horrendous basis, became the world’s savior. Yeah, they all felt their hopes and dreams die.
As Deadpool would say ... "Strike a pose!"
After the recent defeat of the invading Skrulls, Norman Osborn somehow ended up a hero, and everyone else received the short end of the stick. Tony Stark now lives his life dodging tomatoes by the public that hates him, and his company and armor suits rest in the evil hands of Osborn. Osborn also sought to replace the New Avengers with his new group, the Dark Avengers. Among the ranks of Ares, the Sentry, and Marvel Boy (now calling himself Captain Marvel), Moonstone assumed the title of Ms. Marvel, Venom became the team’s Spider-Man, Bullseye now answers to Hawkeye, and Daken dresses up like Daddy Wolverine. The Marvel Universe just went topsy-turvery. Make Mine Maniacal.
3. Now They Definitely Know What He Does Best
Wolverine probably makes delicious tossed salads, because he can slice and dice like Emril. He’s been chopping up livers and meat (literally) for years, and getting sliced in half like bread by the Hulk and losing body parts like a chicken in the fryer when his luck runs low. So what could possibly make the Ol’ Canucklehead sob like a baby and put away the adamantium shredders for good? Well, isn’t that a Mysterio?
You'd think you were pretty badass, too, if you fooled Wolverine into blenderizing the X-Men.
In the latest WOLVERINE storyline, “Old Man Logan,” a future Wolverine tells Hawkeye why he hasn’t used his adamantium claws for fifty years. Instead of resorting to violence, he currently spends his days farming. Couldn’t he have found a less boring alternative? Talk about quitting cold turkey. At any rate, it turns out Mysterio spun a rather convincing illusion half a century ago, leading Wolverine to butcher his friends, the X-Men, while thinking they were all super-villains barging through the door. Poor sucker couldn’t even kill himself out of misery by letting a train smoosh over his head like roadkill.
2. Caveman Gone Batty
Bruce Wayne puts up with a lot of crap. By day he torments himself by associating with shallow celebrities, mundane publicity events, and hot women who fawn all over him (that last part is surely worst of all). By night he dons the cape and cowl, wipes the floor with thugs, and repeatedly locks Gotham’s criminally insane away due to Arkham Asylum’s pathetic excuse for security. (It’s really unfortunate that Lock-Up went nuts.)
Maybe Tiger Man is you, Batman ... maybe he's you.
Well, at least that’s what the Caped Crusader used to do with his life. Thanks to Darkseid, the wonderful invention called the Omega Sanction, and Grant Morrison, Batman now rots in prehistoric times as a caveman. Yes, the man of many shiny gadgets wastes time drawing bat symbols with a rock on cave walls. Dinosaurs wouldn’t even pose a threat, considering he displays a mechanical one in his Batcave back home. He could brag about it to his Neanderthal buddies, except, wait, the Batcave doesn’t exist yet. Neither does cable television.
Gotham’s criminal world better get their kicks in now, because when Batman returns to civilization, he’s going to find his night job a lot more fun than it used to be.
1. Eventually, All Aunts Must Die … Wuss
For a hero whose purpose centers around the famous quote, “With great power comes great responsibility,” you’d think he’d know that messing with history and reality because you love your aunt falls into the no-no category. Apparently Peter Parker missed that lecture, because in “One More Day” he sold his marriage to Mephisto in exchange for at least one more day of his aunt’s life (we’re placing bets on when cruel fate gives her the boot). Uhmmm … he knows she’s still going to die eventually, right? I mean, she’s gotta be, like, a hundred by now.
"I want better comics!"
When it comes to loved ones, you’re not supposed to put your dying aunt over your wife, your unborn child, and the whole fate of the world in general. Yet Spider-Man did just that, and Mary Jane felt the need to make a deal with the devil so that Peter would forget he’s Spider-Man. Both acted selfishly, considering the life of one aged, mortal woman does not outweigh the countless lives a superhero like Spider-Man would fail to save while bumming around like a normal schmuck.
With that said, Spidey and MJ take home the gold for why messing with reality gets everyone screwed. They’ll just, you know, be taking home separate trophies.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
this is brilliant and very very true.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Pretty great piece, glad it’s agreed that Spider-man was a fool.
Grant Morrison put Batman in the Stone Age, sounds to me like he’s been smoking some Mary Jane.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
My biggest rant about most comics is the “reset”, where writers, after a fantastic story arc (like spider man “Civil War”), say “gee, how can we get this closer to what it was like the first year this comic came out”, other wise get every one back to normal. Noble deaths get cloned into resurrected doppelgangers, evil villains in jail/dead appear again and again. Time travel resets unexpected apocalypses. God like beings make everyone forget your true identity which you stupidly exposed… Mainstream comics should take a page from Hellblazer; let your character get older over the years, make mistakes, evolve a little bit NOT re-using villains over and over again and again! This idea will suck for the casual reader who can’t figure out why captain america has a gun now because he hasn’t bothered to read anything in Marvel for the last 3 years, so be it! The big fans will bring them up to speed, just ask your local comic shop owner… he’s happy to talk about it.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
@Matt Would that be Mary Jane Watson?
@Josh In other words, this article should be called, Ten Reasons Why Messing with Reality Gets Everyone Pissed. >:D
June 11th, 2009 at 3:00 am
I’m with Josh. There’s no commitment in comic books. No one has the balls to do something permanent, and even Stan Lee cannot keep up with all the splintered storylines and alternate universes, as interesting as they may occassionally be.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:54 am
Reality alterations can make keeping plotlines straight an *incredible* chore. Just look at the 40 year long story arc involving Kang the Conqueror’s obsession with “the ultimate weapon”. It spans decades, and crosses multiple comic book story arcs from like issue 100 ish of Avengers almost to issue 400 ish of F4.. talk about convolouted. Oy
Well written article WITA
June 11th, 2009 at 7:07 am
This is a fantastic article. I’m so happy I’m not the only who hates Bat-Mite. I thought I was. Other people seem to fall for that cute, cuddly mini-batman exterior. I hate Mxy too. Maybe it was the voice over work of Gilbert Godfreid that has been burned into my brain, but I really hate that character.
But if you are interested in a fun twisted version of Candy Land (as stated in #9) - it exists! http://www.smirkanddagger.com/candyman.htm
June 11th, 2009 at 8:16 am
@DHC Continuity can definitely be a bitch, but shhhh, that’s why indy comics are better! Much easier to get into, and they usually don’t screw themselves over with that problem.
@FredOzzel Thanks!
@Amber Love The link doesn’t seem to be working for me!
June 12th, 2009 at 8:04 am
LMAO! This article is hilarious, Steph. I hate batmite too (-mite alludes to an annoying origin anyways), and I agree with you on lots of these. Spiderman was just acting retarded IMO..what’s one more day of an old lady’s life when everything else is at stake? I mean, really? Lame.
June 12th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Fantastic list!
“The Time Retarder?” My goodness!
“Batman’s kryptonite, aka grand embarrassment?” Exactly.
I HATED Mojo in the animated series!
#6, ewww. That picture actually looks like a really really bad orgy.
I will say though, Booster Gold’s entire series is based on screwing with the time stream and it’s fantastic!
June 12th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
“#6, ewww. That picture actually looks like a really really bad orgy.”
LOL! >:D