Yup, you heard me, folks. I’ve painstakingly scoured the Marvel X-men database to bring you the Top Five Most Ridiculously Useless Mutants in the Homo superior Universe. Let’s just say you wouldn’t want these guys on your superhero dodgeball team …

So who are they? In no special order (because they’re all pretty lame), they are:

1. Lorelei Travis

Lorelei Travis was an exotic dancer at mob leader Daniel Kaufman’s Wildkat Klub in the district of New York City commonly referred to as Mutant Town. Constantly exposed to the harassment of rivaling mutant gangs, bigoted humans and capricious members of the police, Travis has nonetheless managed to become one of the Wildkat Klub’s household names through the artistic use of her genetic mutation. During a recent investigation into Kaufman’s businesses by Special Agent Lucas Bishop and Detective Ismael Ortega, Travis survived a bombing of the Wildkat Klub perpetrated by Kaufman’s enemies, sustaining minor injuries.

So what is Lorelei’s mysterious power that gives her the edge as an exotic dancer and the ability to turn men on (besides, well, her body)?

… Prehensile hair. Yeah, like Medusa? Except without the cool factor that is the snakes. Instead, all Lorelei can do is mentally control her hair, which is about as interesting as people who can wiggle their ears. Sure, you might do a double-take and grin stupidly for awhile—but that’s about it. And really, in combat, how useful would that be? It’s not like her hair is made of a super hard, razor-sharp metal and she could go Pippy Longstocking on your ass. The worst thing that could happen would be she could whip her hair in your face to temporarily blind and disorient you. Which … you don’t even need prehensile hair to do, anyway.

Touch the hair and die.

Apparently Lorelei was one of the few mutants who retained her “powers” after M-Day thanks to Mr. M. God only knows why. Although it wouldn’t surprise me if his true intention was to get in her pants, especially considering they developed a relationship soon after.

2. Eye-Scream

Eye-Scream was born a mutant and at an early age discovered he had the “amazing” ability to turn into any flavor ice cream he wished. One day Eye-Scream decided to destroy the X-Men since their powers made his look stupid. He then devised a strategy in which to best destroy the X-Men. Months later he arrived at the Xavier Institute and snuck into the Mansion. A clown by the name of Obnoxio, however, was at the mansion at the time and helped the X-Men stop Eye-Scream by freezing him. After this event Eye-Scream dropped out of sight and has not been heard from since. It is unknown whether he was de-powered after the House of M ordeal or if he retained his powers.

Even Marvel can’t help snickering at the ridiculously lame superhero that is Eye-Scream. (Wtf? Eye-Scream?! Are they serious?) The fact that the word “amazing” is in quotations in his own character bio says a lot. And of COURSE his powers are stupid. Even a clown named “Obnoxio” of all things could manage to pwn him. So it’s not surprising that Eye-Scream was only in one issue. Ever.

Now, I guess Eye-Scream’s “talent” of being able to “melt himself down and pass under and through objects” has the potential to be cool (no pun intended), but any possibility of him being awesome is automatically ruined by panels like this:

“Lickety-banana-split”? Well, he’s doomed.

A “Refrigeration Unit” costume? Poor guy, what moron was sadistic enough to bring you into this world? (Alan Kupperberg.) You never stood a chance. On another note, being able to transform into any flavor of ice-cream isn’t really the best method to avoid your enemies.

Mmm, mint chocolate chip … Where’s a spoon when you need one?

(Eye-Scream is currently crying himself to sleep every night in the X-men Hall of Shame.)

3. Jazz

John Arthur Zander is the son of third-generation German immigrants, who are currently residing in Wisconsin. Zander’s father is a mutant whose skin is impervious to pain, which, unlike his son’s mutation, was not obvious to the conservative community they lived in. At 16, Zander dropped out of high school and headed for New York. Now a smalltime drug dealer in the district of Mutant Town, Zander became entangled in an investigation by Special Agent Lucas Bishop and Detective Ismael Ortega through his connections with suspected mob leaders Daniel “Shaky” Kaufman and “Filthy” Frankie Zapruder.

Jazz is one of those mutants who curses his father for having a cooler mutation than him—aka that “impervious to pain” thing. Technically it’s not Jazz’s fault for getting the short enough of the mutant power stick, but he has no excuse for being pathetic on other levels. Apparently Jazz has “mediocre rapping skills,” although someone took pity on the cotton candy-colored mutant and made him a successful, famous rapper and hip-hop artist in House of M.

Only Jazz knows what Jazz is so happy about.

I’m pretty sure Jazz both hates and is jealous of Nightcrawler (although its possible they’re long-lost cousins due to their shared German descent—and I suppose the blue skin, too). “He gets a tail and teleportation, and I get what? A permanent and conspicuous skin blemish? Yeah. Thanks for the genes, dad.”

4. Annalee

Virtually nothing is known of the past of the woman known only as Annalee before she joined the underground community of mutants known as the Morlocks who lived in “The Alley”, a huge tunnel located beneath Manhattan. Annalee’s own four children were slain and this caused her to attempt to force the four original members of the young superhuman children known as Power Pack to become her foster children. Her repeated attempts failed, but she later found happiness caring for the young power-draining Morlock known as Leech.

Annalee was slain by Scalphunter, leader of the superhuman team of assassins known as the Marauders, during the villains’ massacre of the Morlock community.

Out of these five, Annalee is probably the mutant with the least pathetic power, but she’s still pretty lame—especially when you consider the whole friggin’ mutant list. Evidently Annalee was able “to project her own emotions onto other sentient beings, causing them to feel whatever she feels.” I’m not really sure how this would truly come in handy except in a debate, but as far as I know any politicians in the X-men world corrupt enough to want to exploit Annalee’s ability for their own gain are pretty much anti-muties themselves and would rather enslave or kill them than deal with them on a daily basis (just ask the Genosians).

She’s just grumpy because Callisto is so much cooler.

You could say that Annalee could use her power to make an enemy leave her the hell alone—but then again, that obviously doesn’t work that well (right, Scalphunter?).

Note: There was a tie for this spot, but the other character might technically be an alien, not a mutant.

5. U-Go Girl

Edie Sawyer’s mutant teleportation abilities first manifested when she was twelve years old after she was suspected of sleepwalking. A few years later, Edie fell in love with a young boy who was visiting from San Francisco and became pregnant. Scared at the thought of being a mother so young, Edie unconsciously teleported herself to Hollywood shortly after giving birth to her daughter. Ironically, Edie’s own biological father was just “passing through town,” an arrangement made by her parents since her adopted father could not conceive children. After a failed attempt at starting an acting career, Edie turned to a life of crime until she learned of a new media savvy team of superhuman mutants named X-Force. Deciding to become a superhero, Edie persisted until she was accepted as a member.

And members of the X-Force have been kicking themselves ever since.

What’s wrong with this picture, you ask? Firstly, the code name “U-Go Girl” isn’t even the worst part. Edie might have been blessed with the gift of teleportation, but it’s basically useless. She can only transport other people as long as they’re within a radius of five feet. So if you’re six feet away you’re apparently shit out of luck. It’s pretty much as annoying as remote-controlled toy cars you have to follow around so you’re not out of range. Sure, you can get a better car—but there’s only one U-Go Girl (thank the Marvel gods for that).

She might look awesome … but that’s about it.

Apparently the whole effort is too draining for U-Go Girl (wuss), forcing her into dependence on a stimulant that keeps her energy high enough to actually make her worth dragging along. If that’s not annoying enough, overuse of the stimulant throws off the “aim” of her jumps. So if you were about to fall off a cliff to your painful death and there was only seconds to save you and she missed … you’re screwed. It’s like X-men on drugs, and no one wants to roll the dice with that hand of cards.

What’s even more embarrassing is that after teleporting, Edie goes into a narcoleptic state. In other words, she falls asleep. Must be nice to get some shuteye while the rest of the team continues to kick butt while struggling to stay alive and not get murdered by some crazy mutant super villain. And if she was trying to save you and you’re still not out of harm’s way after she teleports—well, I guess you’re screwed there, too.

We are, too.

Verdict? U-Go Girl is like a dumb blonde. She’s cute, but … well, ridiculously useless. (And in this case, she’s not even blonde.)

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