Chances are that if you’ve traveled somewhere by commercial airline, you’ve looked into the back pocket of the seat in front of you. You’d typically find your standard-issue vomit bag, emergency procedures card, an airline magazine with excessive meat imagery, and the inevitable Sky Mall catalog - infused with essential items from pocket saxophones to animatronic Elvii.

One doesn’t actually ever buy anything from Sky Mall, but should be considered more like raunchy gadget porn for the technology enthusiast.

So, I’ve taken the liberty of listing the top (but not always good) products in the latest Sky Mall issue.

 

1. The Marshmallow Shooter ($24.95)

 

This clever pump-action device shoots sweet, edible miniature marshmallows over 30′, and–unlike other marshmallow blasters–it comes with an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for accuracy.

 

I’d willingly allow someone to kick me in the dextrose in exchange for a glimpse into the life of the QA department behind this confectionary jewel. Projectile malfunction has never been more cuddlier and delicious.

 

Please, suh, can I have s’more(!)..

 

That is, until..

 

2. 40ft Marshmallow Bazooka ($49.95)

     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The integrated microprocessor automatically regulates air pressure, allowing you to launch up to five marshmallows in 60 seconds without manual pumping.

Woah, woah, woah. Time out. CPU-regulated air pressure? Up to five full-sized marshmallows in 60 seconds?! AND your victim can’t actually stay mad at you? 

Peeps just got a lot deadlier.

 

3. Bug Vacuum  ($49.95)

Flies, bees, spiders, and other insects are suctioned by a 22,400-rpm motor, sending the insect through a one-way valve in the extension tube to an electric grid in the handle that instantly kills the pest.

As much as Pixar Animation Studios would like to convince me that bugs are cute, pleasant, and sound a lot like Dave Foley, I still have a firm stance on keeping my distance from them. Even if it sounds like something created by the Umbrella Corporation.

 

4. Cat Laser Beam Toy ($19.95)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The laser pointer may be the laziest cat-toy ever. From the comfort of our couch, we can revel in the hilarity of watching our feline friend perform perfect kitty pirouettes by the flick of our wrist. But, who has time for that anymore? While you’re at it, pick up one of these.

 

5. Tracking Key ($229.00)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing says “I love you” quite like your loved one using a network of 24 satellites to locate your precise location on the planet at any given time. *swoon*

 

 6. SkyRest Travel Pillow ($29.95)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two Jimmy Buffett shirts says that the person next to him just fashioned a make-shift weapon out of condiments. Sleep well, princess.

 

7. SlumberSleeve ($19.95)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With great power comes great responsibility. And, judging by Cindy from Accounting’s demeanor, hers include not missing the Saturday morning line-up.

 

8. E-Z Chord Kit ($41.98)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 E-Z Chord replaces difficult finger moves with just four numbered buttons. All you have to do to change chords is push buttons at the right time. Learn to play every type of music: Country, blues, gospel, bluegrass, rock, rockabilly and more.

If Guitar Hero has taught us anything, it’s that we shouldn’t let the drummers handle the money. Also, that we shouldn’t invest time in actually learning to play a real guitar. Pfft, that’s for suckers.

 

9. Portable Desk ($39.99)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I get the impression that anyone that buys this has an immense sense of self-satisfaction and is the same person who finishes all the crossword and sodoku puzzles, but doesn’t hesitate to put them back into the seat pocket. Also, would buy this.

 

10. Double Umbrella ($19.99)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why the need to complicate things? These two are just begging for a lightning bolt bonanza.

And well-deserved..

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