Can You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse? Not Without My Help.

Picture this: You are walking home from work one day, in a tired, 5 o’ clock daze, when you suddenly notice that your usually placid neighbor is now charging towards you, mouth agape, vacant look present in his eyes. You have a split second to decide your fate-and his. Will you freeze up and let him take a chunk out of your arm? Or will you dodge his attacks and run for your life? The choice is easy to pick right now; but only time will tell if you have the balls in order to survive a split second panic situation

This guide is for mature audiences only: this is the nitty gritty reality check you’re going to need in order to survive the zompocalypse. Leave your panties at home.

Chapter One: Know Your Enemy

Every good plan begins with a good question. Do you know what a zombie actually is? According to the dictionary, a zombie is defined as “a reanimated human corpse”. Though a zombie covers a few different types, we will cover just the most important and dangerous type here: the reanimated dead.

The walking dead are not supernatural beings in the traditional sense. Contrary to popular belief, they do not possess super strength or a superior sense of smell. They simply lack the ability to tire out after pushing and pushing on your front door. Because their bodies are composed of dead tissue, no lactic acid can build up to prevent them from feeling sore or tired. Zombies will literally push and pull and walk until their parts are weathered down until nothing but brittle bone.

Zombies only want one thing: human flesh and brains. Nothing else is driving these decaying buggers but the promise of your sweet flesh. They will not be swayed by money, clothes, pleading, or leftover hot dogs. They only devour and sustain their “life” through the living.

Additionally, Zombies do not possess memories of their former lives. They will not recognize you as their beloved wife and turn the other way. They will not reason with you over a piece of hamburger meat. Because the human has technically died, oxygen has ceased to flow within their body, including to the brain. This is probably why the walking dead appear to be rather stupid and primal. Do not mistake your grandpa’s toothy grin for compassion; most likely he has smelled the sweet copper blood pulsing beneath your skin.

Chapter Two: Types of Zombies

Zombies can be classified by types or by threat level. I will detail out just a couple for you below:

Common Zombie.

These are the most commonly depicted zombies by far. They are slow, stupid, relentless, and easy to avoid.

Rage Zombie.

Technically, these are not ‘real’ zombies in the sense that they are still medically alive. They are extremely fast, aggressive, brutal, and infect you immediately upon a bite. If these were ever to arise, take the nearest ship to the Moon.

Voodoo Zombie.

These ‘zombies’ are actually one of the scariest to encounter. They are usually possessed by a witch doctor or someone else in order to exert control. Based on actual historical facts, these types of zombies become exposed to such a brutal experience, that they resemble a combination of the first two types once released. The good? They don’t come in large numbers and cannot infect you.

Chapter Three: Contingency Plan

So your worst nightmare has come true. The zombies have risen and are now threatening to take over your planet and nearest Walmart. It’s time to act on your plan. What plan? You might say. First things first: one must always have a contingency set in place to cover every possible detail in the event of a zompocalypse. It doesn’t have to look pretty, but keeping a plan will lengthen your life expectancy.

Print off this sheet to begin your planning. Just remember to keep it hidden. Using Pig latin or making up a new language is highly recommended.

Location. Where can you imagine spending what will probably be a good chunk of your life? In your lush flat above the city streets? Or in your window-paned country home in the burbs? You must always be thinking of your enemy when planning your ideal hideout. Do not exhibit fantasies of bunking with that crushworthy musician next door. Odds are, he is already dead, eaten, or zombified. This is not your desert island idealist plan. This is your survival plan.

First things first: Please stay away from popular/oversized hideouts. This means mainstream places like Walmart, Sam’s, and Costco are out of the picture. They are good in theory, but think of how many other people will be racing towards their nearest superstore or mall. Plenty of people have seen Dawn of the Dead. They know what’s up.

Instead, think outside of the box. Know your enemy. Zombies are slow, lazy, yet persistent. Walking around the ocean floor will happen, so scratch out yachts and boats. Think high up-they cannot climb or push through a permanent building, even in their masses. Some viable options: a triple fenced in fort, treehouse, blocked off islands, prisons, etc. Another good option: a hole in the hall weapons retailer. Chances are, they are locally owned and house living quarters above their shop. This allows for space, height, and eliminates time needed to collect the weapons.

Supplies, Transportation, Attire.You are going to be living in (hopefully) one area for an extended period of time. No casual trips to the grocery will be had any time soon. Keep all of this in mind when preparing what to stock up on.

Food. You will want to make sure you have a plethora of bottled water jugs at your disposal. I cannot emphasize this enough. The human body can survive up to seven days on just water. With that said, however, food is definitely the second top priority. Think non perishable goods, canned food, energy bars, vitamins, packaged fruits and juices, and more. Items like twinkies will last you till the next millennium, but how can you sprint away from that zombie with that belly hanging over?

Don’t forget your food allergies and medications. Every person has their own preferences for living, but here are a couple more general items to include in your superstore ransacking: hundreds of batteries, flashlights, matches, candles, rope, tools and nails, wood, knives, reading material, bedding, toilet paper, compass, maps, backpacks, medical kits, fire extinguishers, walkie-talkies, additional tires, gas cans, camera, and tape recorder (to leave your legacy and survival tape behind).

Transportation. One word: bicycle. Ideally a motorcycle, this grants you the ability to weave in and out of abandoned cars (of which there’ll be a plenty) and most of the zombie hordes. A car handicaps your ability to move forward. Unless you somehow have access to a bulletproof humvee, stick with the bike.

Ideal attire: a wetsuit (zombies cannot bite through no matter what), short hair, leather gloves, leather boots, multiple carrying swords, a gun, ammo, and small swiss army knife equipped with mini flashlight. As much as you think you may need it, a helmet will only limit your range of sight.

Some Last Words on Your Survival Plan: Keep your contingency plan under wraps. Don’t ever share your survival plan with casual acquaintenances or manipulative fair weather friends. You want to end up with 15 fortresses on your tiny secluded island? Didn’t think so.

Chapter Four: Weaponry

Your number one weapon in any event is your own body. By keeping it in top physical shape and condition, you will be able to outrun and outsmart even the most hungry of zombies. No matter how hard it may be, getting sleep and eating healthy will keep you level-headed and prepared for any turn of event.

Fighting techniques ‘the art of avoidance’. Getting into a scruffle with a zombie will most certainly shorten your life expectancy. Do not practice your experienced judo or krav maga moves on the undead. Instead, focus on a martial art that deals with dodging and deflecting attacks, as well as imparting maximum blow to the spinal/head region. Ideally, this is not the way to fight. But without a weapon handy, these are much-needed skills you will need to save your life.

Basic weapon 411. Anyone who says size doesn’t matter knows how to shoot a gun. Unless you are aptly prepared in the art of weaponry (highly unlikely), opt for a large, damaging weapon of mass destruction. Think rocket launcher, small hand grenades, and, if used properly, a flamethrower. These will keep most of the zombie hordes at bay while you level up on your sword fighting skills. A smallish but effective sword, the Katana, will be your best friend. Once delivered, this little baby will cleanly slice any opponents head or body part off like buttah. They are easy to hold, relatively lightweight, and highly effective against the undead. Always remember: swords don’t need reloading.

Chapter Five: Emotional Hang-Ups and Survival Skills

If you possess any sort of emotional hang-up, you might as well nail the coffin in now. Easiest way to become zombie fodder? Hesitation, Reservation, and emotional attachment at inopportune times [read: your crying after your mother reanimates, ignoring the zombies reaching out for your baby brother to your left]. Emotional hang-ups are the most common way for you to die.

To be a survivor, you must, I repeat, MUST be able to shoot your beloved mother/husband/brother/daughter in the head and react in time to catch the next wave of zombies. There’s no time to wuss out. No time to cry. Only in the moderately safe hideout you bide your time in will you have the chance to wallow in your misery. This is a cold, hard fact that you need to accept at the very first second of a zombie onslaught.

First To Go. There are many types of people in this world that do end up surviving through the initial wave of a zombie attack. However, it’s what happens next that determines how long you really have left to live.

The ignorant and the overzealous are the first to perish in the event of a zompocalypse. Next come the emotionally unequipped and the “pro life” zombie fanatics. The ‘soldier’ survivors are the last to go, because they are true survivors. They will die, however, because they are truly assholes and don’t know how to coexist with other people peacefully, thereby sealing their death warrant. It will be up to you to carry out that punishment, if not for your own safety, but for others. Pull a Rick Grimes and knock that Dexter out before he destroys your illusion of safety. Everything and everyone is a liability.

Other Enemies. Zombies will not be your only danger in a zombie uprising. In fact, the half-starved and primal humans will prove to be a more dangerous threat than any slow staggering zombie. Other enemies include: rabid dogs, ex-military, the environment, and your guilt.

Chapter Six: Be In The Know

Paranoia is just another word for longevity. Don’t live under a rock: be aware of what’s going on in the world. Keep your eyes peeled for unusual deaths, reanimations, ‘crazed’ people attacking and biting unsuspecting bystanders, a large number of unrelated people going missing, etc. The government will of course attempt to cover up as much as they possibly can, so its best to try and read between the lines in news reports, and weed between the garbage in the Enquirer. Street smarts are a must and so is a good sense of reality. Don’t believe everything you read, but have the good sense of knowing when something truly seems to be up. Its better to be prepared.

Chapter Seven: They did WHAT?! Some common misconceptions depicted in Hollywood.

Zombies do not talk nor think about anything other than flesh and brains. Zombies do not become strippers. Zombies do not dance and shoot ping pong balls from their body parts. They will not play Halo 3 with you. Zombies do not go to therapy to try and ‘fit in’. Zombies do not have feelings or emotional attachment. They do not get dressed up and go out to bars. Zombies do not get married nor go on honeymoons. And because it hasn’t been proven yet, zombies do not procreate in the traditional fashion.

Some last minute tips (a la Max Brook’s Zombie Survival Guide):

1. Organize before they rise!

2. They feel no fear, why should you?

3. Use your head: cut off theirs.

4. Blades don’t need reloading.

5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.

6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.

7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.

8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!

9. No place is safe, only safer.

10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

So remember: this isn’t Survival of the Fittest, but Survival of the Preparedest.

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