After a long hiatus and a botched bank robbery caught on tape, I’m back to regale my three readers with my words of non-wisdom. With that said, I present to you my Top 8 Movie Robots.

8. Vectrocon robot spiders (Runaway)

Runaway, the neglected 1984 Michael Crichton Sci-Fi thriller, featured Tom Selleck beating down robots that were maliciously programmed to turn against us by none other than Gene Simmons and his evil glare. That’s right, Tonguey McWagitalot himself.

The Vectrocon robot spiders had the swagger of a Bumble Ball, the chatter of a Halloween novelty toy, and the fluid pull-toy movements that all amounted to you getting a FACE full of acid.

7. R.A.L.F. (Flight of the Navigator)

Pardon me, coming through.

This mobile lunch cart, known as a Robotic Assistant Labor Facilitator, announced these words with a lucid cadence shortly before smuggling a pre-pubescent boy across NASA grounds all while being set to 80’s montage music.

Man, you can get anything done when it’s set to the right beats.

On the downside, it was also an unofficial sidekick to a then-and-should-have-stayed-unknown Sarah Jessica Parker.

6. Omega Jackson (Moonwalker)

In the longest most drawn-out transformation ever, Michael Jackson gives a 3-foot-tall Joe Pesci way too much credit. How much shielding and firepower does it take to defeat Leo Getz?  The man’s wearing high heels.

5. Johnny Cab (Total Recall)

Amidst tri-breasted chicks, midget prostitutes, and stomach mutants; Johnny Cab (voiced by Robert Picardo of Star Trek) steals the show with his discreet sarcasm, ability to make better conversation than any other cab driver in the country, and willingness to run your ass over if you don’t pay the fare.

4. Mega Maid (Spaceballs)

In order to extract all the air out of Planet Druidia, Spaceball 1 transforms into one enormous cleaning lady with one enormous vacuum cleaner - enter Operation Vacu-Suck.

This one speaks English and doesn’t steal all the jewelry, though.

3. Evil Bill & Ted (Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey)

They wear sunglasses at night so that should solidify their robotic villain-y status even further, right? Right.

Although, Station and the rest of the guys sure did go through a whole heck of a lot of trouble to create good robotic versions of Bill & Ted. In the end, we see that all it takes is an uppercut backed by advanced circuitry and hair weaves to defeat the enemy.

I think the biggest novelty here is that Keanu Reeves is portraying a robot and that equals to something that just makes me sleepy trying to comprehend.

2. Jaws (Jaws)

So maybe it was first filmed in the 70s, and there were budget restraints, studio pressures, and whatnot. Yes yes, we know. But, my list wouldn’t be complete without Bruce - The Mechanical Shark.

And what’s up with Quint? The badass sea salt that doesn’t wear a life jacket - that’s just plain unsafe! Yet, he didn’t even punch or pile drive his way out of nothing. Way to go out shrieking like a fishwife, Quint.

1. Protector 101 Killbots (Chopping Mall)

Thank you. Have a nice day.

This 1986 extremely low-budget gem of a movie falls into the “so unbelievably bad that it’s good” pile. We find eight teenagers who have snuck into a mall and are trapped after-hours with robotic security guards turned bad after lightning strikes the roof-top computer. What it’s doing on the roof is anybody’s guess.

Equipped with retractable claw arms, sleep darts, electrical shocks, and laser beams but they still had the decency to be polite about blowing your head off while trying to shoplift from Banana Republic.

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